WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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