mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
