well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
