Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
