I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
