it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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