Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
