You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
