I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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