tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize