There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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