Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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