And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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