So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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