It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
