i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize