i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize