im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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