You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
two words: eviction party
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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