Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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