plz talk dirty to me
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
