I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
