I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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