im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
