I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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