I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
