I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
