theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You ruined the universe
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
