TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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