I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
