who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
