my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
