I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
