I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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