I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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