He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
