its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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