my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
