dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
