yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
