Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
