just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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