You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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