My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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