Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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