i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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