areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
