I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
