she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
