I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
