she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize