She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
last night I used snow as a chaser
false alarm, still single
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
