I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
