we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
