Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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