if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Enjoy the penises
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
