I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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