Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
