rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize