Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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