Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
