Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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