i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
