Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
