Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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