he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You don't make any sense
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