she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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