So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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