It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
