You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
