For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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